The day started with expectant team beerers in good cheer with Dave, Kavs, Jim, Robbie and Steve Hiscox boarding the choo-choo at Bath, and Bren, Rob G, Emma and Martin getting on at Trowbridge.
We got to Salisbury and stopped off at the nearest convenient pub to discuss the forthcoming day's proceedings over a modest light ale.
Rob G and Martin E had arranged a most excellent game of PUB GOLF to create an appropriate ambiance. As Rob G allocated score cards to the feverishly eager players, a minor oversight was observed in the non-use of the letter "R", hence we were to play STOKES rather than STROKES. It was decided that the letter "R" should be p*ohibited for the *emainde* of the day:
Hence, the players were named (for reasons which must have made sense at the time):
Dave - Chaiman of the Boad
Kavs - El Pesidente
Jim - Jim the Oundhead
Robbie - Obbie Ugby
Steve - Winko
Bren - Ion Man
Rob G - Ob the Wate Boy
Emma - Ampant Abbit
Martin - Matin the Bastad
The PUB GOLF *ules for the day: -
1) You must mark another's card fairly.
2) Kitty cash will buy game beers only, additional drinks will be purchased individually.
3) Before each hole a dice will be rolled to decide Par for the hole. On holes 2, 4, 6 & 8 additional strokes will be added.
4) Once Par has been decided the dice will be rolled by a player's scorer, to decide their drink for the hole.
5) If once you have completed your allotted beverage on the hole you may have another (purchased by yourself) at -1 stroke per half pint.
6) Penalty strokes of +2 for
a) being sick
b) dropping your drink
c) arguing with competitors
d) spilling your/another's drink
Drinks for rolls of dice are: -
| Dice Roll | Drink | Notes |
| 1 | Pint | Beer/Lager/Cider |
| 2 | ˝ Pint | Beer/Lager/Cider |
| 3 | Bottle of Beer/lager or large Wine | Beer/Lager/Alco-pop |
| 4 | Spirit + Mixer | Served in a large glass |
| 5 | Pint of Water | |
| 6 | Drink of your choice | Must be Alcoholic |
Now we had a couple of swings at the driving range to test our ability - the keen players were already showing their driving skills. Emma and Martin having visited and enjoyed the Portsmouth beer festival the night before experienced the equivalent of slicing every swing. Bren having gone for a run in the morning was feeling thirsty, the fantastic four Dave, Kavs, Robbie and Steve were all looking in good form. Jim and Rob G were looking tentative but driving well off the tee. Once everyone had their plus fours and driving gloves on, we were onto the first fairway...
"The Mill" in the city centre, first hole the par was rolled as 3. The drinks rolled were as follows: -
| Kavs | Water |
| Rob L | Water |
| Dave | Beer |
| Jim | Bottle Of lager |
| Martin | Bottle Of lager |
| Emma | Water |
| Bren | Rum and Coke |
| Steve | Barcardi and Coke |
| Rob G | Vodka and Coke |
With the water boys and shorts having an obvious advantage the scores were going to be good. We quickly downed a pint on the way to the second hole, which it was decided would be at the same venue, as the viewing was good and the sun was beating down on the now exposed Dave's chest.
The scores after the two holes: -
| Kavs | Rob L | Dave | Jim | Martin | Emma | Bren | Steve | Rob G |
| -5 | -7 | -8 | -5 | -7 | -4 | -2 | -3 | -8 |
The second hole done we moved on to the next hostelry; "The Old Ale House". This was a most noteworthy place as the open window in the gentleman's convenience looked directly into Obbie Ugby's office with his "Red Chair". We were starting to feel a bit sociable now and chatting to the locals. We met a bloke called Andy who stayed with us on our travels.
After the "Old Ale House" we moved on to "The New Inn" and "The Wig", this was when people were feeling very good. On the slightest provocation the golfers started songing, ably led by El Pesidente and, of course Obby Ugby. This is when this picture was taken of the 9-baller squad.
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Golfers enjoying the green at the Wig |
As you can see everyone was getting into the swing of things, also looking at the score cards this marked the time when the outing's collective writing ability started to wane.
The scores after the fifth hole were: -
| Rob L | Rob G | Martin | Jim | Dave | Emma | Kavs | Steve H | Bren |
| -17 | -15 | -15 | -13 | -21 | -14 | -13 | -8 | -5 |
The New Inn had a lovely garden being overlooked by the Cathedral - the cultural bit. Now we undertook of a drinking game of "the Keys;" this is where someone drops keys into an ashtray prompting players to stand up in turn and call an ascending number, whilst avoiding standing up the same time as someone else. It took about 5 practise runs before everyone understood the rules. The punishment on standing up at the same time as someone else was 2 fingers, for being the last number you had to down your beer. Whether Jim was unsure of the rules or was just enjoying the beer fines, he was quite crap at this game. Some more songing and onto the last pub.
| Rob L | Rob G | Martin | Jim | Dave | Emma | Kavs | Steve H | Bren |
| -26 | -24 | -24 | -20 | -29 | -16 | -22 | -12 | -14 |
More songing at the Wig, and a feast of golfing fans enjoying our presence.
On leaving the Wig, the Chaiman of the Boad produced possibly the day's most memorable event. Following an unorthodox racing line, the Chaiman failed to observe/negotiate a street bollard, resulting in a novel approach to trying to remove street furniture using human testicles. The ensuing spectacle of the Chaiman pivoting inches from the floor on said bollard like a small child's mobile was a truly enduring moment. Fair play, the Chaiman made not a murmur…
Penultimate pub was the Cloisters - a place with rugby tradition and lots of varieties of peanuts. As you can see Dave and Rob L were in the lead, this may be the reason why Dave encouraged Martin to partake in a foot race on leaving. Not one to back down from a challenge Martin ran up Salisbury high street - he not only hurt his leg but also looked a twat as Dave was strolling along the road laughing at him.
Onto what was eventually the final two holes at The Kings Head Inn - a Wetherspoons pub and therefore used to very drunk individuals, not however (as most golfers had had 15 drinks and it was only half six in the evening) used to the BSRFC effect. The eighth hole was a par 2; this was no challenge for the mighty golfers. The final hole was a par 6 this was also barmans choice of drink for all of us: a "Frisky Bison" (contents unknown), we all finished up and headed for the train. The final scores were:
| Rob L | Rob G | Martin | Jim | Dave | Emma | Kavs | Steve H | Bren |
| -33 | -31 | -30 | -23 | -34 | -21 | -28 | -15 | -15 |
So Dave won the 9-hole course due to some quality drinking. The results were: -
1st - Dave Pyles
2nd - Rob Lawrence
3rd - Rob Garton
4th - Martin Ellis
5th - Paul Kavanagh
6th - Jim Biss
7th - Emma the bird
8th - Steve Hiscox and Brenden Hodkinson