Bath Saracens Rugby Football Club

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Click here for details of last season's tour.

Bath Saracens RFC Tour 2004

The Brief...

Destination:	Congleton (J17 off the M6)

Theme:	"West Country Yokels" Appropriate dress, mandatory "Oooh Aarh's", and a farm animal must be produced on request!

Dates:	Friday 23rd April - Sunday 25th April NB Meet at 1:00pm on Friday 23rd at the Ram Inn, Widcombe

Details:	The two best nights of the season at a maximum cost of £90 !

Games:	Saturday 24th April v Congleton Sunday 25th April v Holmes Chapel

The Photos... (courtesy of Andy Burgess and Mike York)

The traditional meeting place.
At the Lion and Swan Hotel, Congleton.
Saving time!
The Team!
Anyone seen Mother Brown?
Is that Mike joining in?
I would wince too with a view like that!
Nice tackle!
Let the drinking begin.
Opposition hakka (or have they just got cramp)?
"Pres and Chair".
I like a Club that takes its drinking seriously.
What they are looking at is censored!
The Motley crew
The (in)famous Moo-Cow.
Heading home again....

The Writeup...

CONGLETON - APRIL 2004

(THE "OOO-ARRGG" TOOR)

DAY 1

Early season jokes about going to "Sunny Congleton" on toor came unexpectedly true when around 30 (yes 30) intrepid toorers invaded the area for a two match, two night weekend. The RAM was as usual the meeting point for those travelling on the coach and at 1pm on Friday 23rd a motley group assembled in various outfits that were aimed at reproducing a West Country Yokels/Bumpkins theme. They all had with them their farmyard animal for the week which was not to leave their side, this being one of the cardinal rules for the weekend. Andy Blackburn then arrived with the "mingeometer" although he had told his missus that the two turnips and a carrot were to supplement his diet for the weekend.

In less time than it takes to drink a pint many had settled in chairs on the pavement and were practising for the weekend. New arrivals were greeted with the mandatory "ooo-arrgg", passing males with a "marning" and any unfortunate passing female with a collection of farmyard noises and what was to become the stock phrase for the weekend "ooo-arrgg, I'd like to get my hands on her land".

Meanwhile Chief Sneak Rob Garton ably assisted by Mike York and Steve Hiscox were already enthusiastically collecting fines for the usual mixture of flouted rules. The rules themselves were outlined in the magnificent Official Toor Booklet produced by Bren Hodkinson. This contained the Toor Committee, Non Executive Members, The Judiciary and the Tooring Party lists. There were also profiles of the playing members, 3 pages of songs, and a page of rugby quotes. But most importantly a list of toor rules and their penalties for the weekend.

At half past two it was off to the luxury coach (well it had a bog). Pigs , sheep, cows, etc were tucked under arms or hung from various parts of the anatomy and with a final chorus of "ooo-arrgg" we set off oop north. Bren put a Wurzels tape on and hearty renditions of classics such as "I've got a brand new combine harvester" were soon ringing round the coach. The Lion and Swan Hotel in Congleton was reached at 6.30, and not before time as the bog had filled to overflowing and Chris Curtis's tummy was aching, which believe me we all knew about every 15 minutes or so.

Bags were dumped and all assembled in the bar for the start of the evening's festivities. The first act being of course the ritual production of the dreaded "golf ball" which Rob Lawrence produced with those immortal words, "the ball's in play". Next a giant-sized condom was produced and the Toor Judge" Dave Pyles announced the first recipient would be Rob Lawrence, but for some reason that now escapes me the decision was overturned and he was awarded it instead. Paul Kavanagh was also awarded the "mingeometer" which he proudly strung round his waist. So with Dave with a giant condom on his head and Kavs with a "mingeometer" already registering minge ahead the party proceeded 20 yards down the road to the local "totty centre" which by good fortune happened to be a very very cheap Wetherspoons Pub. Prices were so low that it equated to a buy two get one free evening. Needless to say many had fallen in love at first sight within minutes although Steve Fielding had just fallen. But more about that later. Much was imbibed, recollections, including mine, became hazy, and Indian, Chinese and other various eating establishments received late night custom.

Oh yes, Dave lost the Condom, or else he used it, but given its size the latter was most unlikely.

DAY 2

Although not until 9am, there was a remarkable high level of attendance for breakfast, with full English being partaken of by most, except Steve Fielding. But more of that later. At 1030 the first Court Session was convened and for once nobody was particularly concerned about its outcome as there was never any doubt about who was going to sweep the board. For the Crown Prosecution Service Evan Davies was selected, but because he was the victim in the "major incident" during the evening this was questioned. The Judge however ruled that he considered that in many ways justice might well be better served by him taking the floor. Or words to that effect. Evan than gave a most eloquent if rather drawn-out account of events that took place in his room that evening when his room mate, one Steve Fielding, having been carried unconscious to bed in the early hours of the morning had never-the-less managed to realise at some later point that he wished to relieve himself. Unfortunately - as is often the case in these incidents - wanting to go to the bog and actually getting there are two entirely different matters. Further details I will not go into as the readership of this site is not controlled in any way.

For the defence there were problems. One, the accused was still in bed. Two, even if he was arrested and brought to court the likelihood of him remembering the incident, or for that matter anything else about the evening, was most unlikely. The third problem was that no one was prepared to act as his lawyer given that a successful defence was totally out of the question. In the event a "tommy" vacuum cleaner was nearby and it was wheeled into court to speak on Steve's behalf. However when asked by the Judge to address the court it was rendered speechless mainly because someone unplugged it, and as the cleaner wanted it back the defence case collapsed. Steve was heavily fined and the "mingeometer" was ceremoniously carried to his room and placed in a strategic position on his still lifeless body.

The rest of the morning, according to one's point of view, was spent either exploring or wandering aimlessly around the town. With bedraggled farm animals in tow, bits of string and straw falling off individuals and "ooo-arrggs" ringing in the air the local population looked alternately amused and bemused.

Mid-day found us back at the Hotel and hanging around on the steps outside, generally annoying passers by and waving at cars. An intellectual interlude it was not. However, boredom was broken by the arrival of two genuine yokels, Andy Burgess and Graham Maggs. On the outskirts they made contact by mobile phone and were expertly guided to the Hotel. Not particularly direct I must admit. But get there they did complete with a singing and dancing cow, which for the next 24 hours or so performed magnificently all over Congleton and Holmes Chapel. It was a true testament to the power of Duracell.

With kit bags packed we all retired to a pub across the road to watch the first half of the Bath European Cup game (enough said) and then walked the half mile to the Congleton Club House. One or two intrepid souls did stay on to watch the whole game before joining us.

See separate Match report

After the match the early part of the evening was spent in our host's clubhouse. An excellent stew was followed by copious amounts of beer poured from either jugs or watering cans. This lubricated the vocal chords and a good hour open-air session of singing followed. Every song in the Sarries repertoire was performed (some twice, especially by the President) and Congleton members added a few of theirs for good measure. They also performed their unique version of the Haka. Kavs was even moved to tears as he commented that it was one of the best "songing" sessions ever.

Eventually kits bags were gathered up and we returned to the Hotel for a quick wash and brush up before hitting the town again. As on the previous evening the Wetherspoons pub drew most if not all and some of the Congleton players joined us. Two of their number even promised to turn out for us the next day. And they did. Whilst in the pub a pretty young lady was seemingly attracted time and time again to Andy Burgess although it may have been his singing/dancing cow that was the draw. However when asked what it was called he thought long and hard before coming out with the name Moo-Cow. (well - what would you have called it ?) Whilst many eventually went for food a few were tempted back to the Congleton Club house where much cheap booze was consumed along with chillies. Why chillies? Who knows? Just one of life's mysteries.

DAY 3

At court in the morning Paul K, Dave P and Steve H each confessed and were fined for being in bed earlier than they would normally have been at home on a Saturday night. Kavs was also fined for endlessly singing just the first three words of the roll-a-roll song. Ed Bentley who turned out for Congleton the day before was fined for wearing an opposition shirt and for running on the rugby pitch.

The main case involved the use of the hotel photocopier to take a picture of a plate of stew that had been ceremoniously carried back from the Congleton Club House. The first attempt to copy it was unsuccessful as it was still in the dish and only the bottom of the dish was visible. Obvious you might think. But remember we are talking about the mental ability of chaps who have been drinking for 7-10 hours and who in the first place decided to carry a plate of stew for a mile. But fear not, they thought it through and carefully flipped the stew over. Whilst they now had the photo they wanted, they also had a very messy copier. The case against Jon Catchpole was outlined by Pete Oliver whilst the defence was most ably conducted by the singing/dancing cow. So good was the latter that a guilty verdict was by majority only. Oh by the way. Rob Lawrence cleaned the copier before retiring and the only evidence in the morning was that it still smelt of stew. What the hotel staff made of that we never found out.

One final point raised by the Judge was that he had invented a test to prove that Alex Lees was still alive, which at various times during toor was in some doubt. You simply placed a beer mat on his face. If it stuck, and up to four at a time would, he was still with us.

Midday saw us depart for Holmes Chapel some 10 miles down the road.

See separate match report

After the match the 7 toor virgins took to the field again. This time naked. Their initiation course went as follows:-
1. Drink beer
2. Put head on top of pole and revolve 10 times.
3. Move 20 yards and pick up rugby ball - place between legs and waddle to large container full of water.
4. Put head down to bottom of container whilst ass is douched by cold bucket of water.
5. Drink another beer
6. Repeat 2
7. Run back to start.

Steps 3 and 7 may appear easy but most first fell over and then proceed to meander across the pitch.

Back in their excellent clubhouse more beer and food was consumed and the golf ball continued its round. Si Walker who had been advised that port and brandy was an excellent pick-me-up downed a number of these as suggested. However he then received the golf ball twice in full pints of lager. Result? A very obstreperous Si Walker who not only insisted that everyone get as rat-assed as him before getting back on the coach for Bath but also then spent the coach journey making sure no one fell asleep. A brief stop for a beer saw us get back to Bath mid evening, where a half dozen or so had a final couple of pints in the Hop Pole before wending our ways home.

All-in-all an excellent few days. Weather was good. Company was good. Matches were good. Well done to all the organisers of the various aspects of the toor. Especially Si for the hotel and travel arrangements. See you all next year?

Mike York

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