Bath Saracens Rugby Football Club

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Click here for details of last season's tour.

Bath Saracens RFC Tour 2005

The Brief...

Destination:	Newquay! (Cliffdene Hotel)

Theme:	"Superheroes"

Dates:	Friday 22nd April - Sunday 24th April. Meet at 2pm in the Ram at Widcombe - coach leaves at 3pm.

Details:	22 are signed-up

Games:	Saturday 23rd April v Perranporth Sunday 24th April v Plymouth CS

The Writeup...

NEWQUAY - April 2005

I was hoping that my avowed last tour would be memorable - and indeed it was. I have never been on such a good-natured, civilised, pleasant, gentlemanly excursion in my 36 years with the Club! And to cap it all the hotel was top-notch!

Day 1
We met at the traditional spot, the Ram at Widcombe, dressed in the tour theme of "Superheroes". This included several Supermen (I was one) a couple of Batmen and a Robin, Luke Skywalker, Spiderman, a (headless) Dangermouse, an Incredible, Zorro, the Hulk, Blade, Yoda, Rambo, and a debatable superhero Scooby Doo (with no superpowers that I'm aware of, but with a loveable doggie attraction and an overwhelming desire to smell backsides!). A contrived "Super Dave" was also present - whose skilfully crafted costume had the superb advantage that he didn't have to strip off to take a pee (an unforeseen problem for others that led to several "Paula Radcliffe moments" whilst drinking!).

We took our opening drinks on the pavement outside, and soon became used to friendly toots and waves from passers-by - one of which was an Evening Chronic reporter who stopped for a photograph (probably thinking we were Fathers for Justice!). We were able to use our super-powers to help an old lady who was trying to park her car, but was so far off the kerb she needed a taxi to finish the journey. The guys stepped out to hold up traffic whilst she hesitantly manoeuvred into a space that a lorry could have happily parked in!

Then off we set towards cloud-covered Cornwall. The journey was lubricated by thoughtfully-provided cans of beer, and even a Cornish pasty to get us in the mood. The "fines" system had been introduced, and the first 5 people needing to use the coach toilet were caught, as was I, twice - once for being English and again for wearing glasses.

On arriving at the Cliffdene Hotel we dumped our luggage and headed off into town - still in costume of course, so as you can imagine we prompted quite a reaction when we all streamed into a bar. Drinking got complicated because of the left or right-handed drinking restriction - and even worse when "two-handed" was ruled. Most memorable was our cavorting around one pub imitating Peter Kay miming the Amarillo song - a modern variation of the Conga that inspired the whole pub to join in. After visiting about 3 or 4 establishments I was upstairs in the loo trying to overcome the constraints of my superman costume to relieve myself, which probably took a while because on my descent everyone had gone! I didn't take it personally, as the kindly Rob Garton (tour organiser) had stayed behind to direct me onwards, but unfortunately - as often happens after such an alcohol-intake (and despite the so-called advantage of those things called "mobile phones") - we couldn't actually locate the others.

So we headed back to the hotel, where the bar was open just about all night, met up with a few other lost souls and (probably luckily for a man of my age) missed out on the Newquay nightclubs. Apparently there was a fracas on a dance floor where two of our lads got into a spot of bother with a local, and one ended up in casualty with glass in his knee. Still, it wasn't serious enough to prevent him from playing the following day. After a few more drinks I took the hint from Scooby Doo who had curled up fast asleep on one of the benches, and headed off to my room.

Day 2
Breakfast (in costume, to the amusement of the other guests) was extremely early at 8:30, and afterwards the Judge, Paul Kavanagh, held the Court Session. There were several offenders - including the "Sneaks" (Steve Hiscox and Martin Ellis) for collecting insufficient fines and Scooby (Rob Lawrence) for sleeping in the bar, but the impact of the punishment - the forced drinking of half a pint of beer - was slightly undermined by the Judge helping himself to one at the outset. Awards were also given, to be compulsorily worn at all times - the "lady's bottom" medallion for "arse of the day" and the golden beads for "gay drinking" (whatever that means….?).

Punishments meted-out, the next activity was a group swim in the sea, dressed only in brief swimming costumes. The hotel was only 100 yards from the beach - vertically! As we passed over the road and down the steps we drew much attention from those out strolling - not sure that it was admiration, though? More likely they thought we were loonies. It didn't help that the tide was out as far as it could have been, so the swim turned into a hike. When finally reaching it, the water was freezing and after just one plunge I was talking in a high voice. Penance over, we were allowed to get dry and prepare for the game against Perranporth.

See separate Match report

We enjoyed a brief social in the Perranporth clubhouse, where we were treated to genuine Cornish pasties, but because they were heading off to a cup game in Truro, which was a bit far off in the wrong direction for us, we gave them a group-moon farewell. After using our superhero strength to manhandle two cars out of the way of the coach in their car park, we went back to Newquay where we were allowed to shed our costumes and head out on the town.

Unfortunately the golf ball appeared at this point - those finding it in their glass had to down the contents to retrieve it and try to slip it into someone else's. Insanely, a second ball was then circulated which led to so much paranoia that thankfully it was withdrawn. Spirits were high and we enjoyed the best "songing" session of the tour in Weatherspoons, where there was also a Hen Night. The poor woman had to pass around the whole bar kissing all the men - theoretically on the cheek, but Alex Lees turned and poked out his tongue at the key moment, gaining quite a shocked response! We stayed as a group until late-on then we inevitably split up and went our own ways. It was only at breakfast the following morning that I heard some of the dramas experienced - seems I got off light again.

Day 3
The next Court Session started oddly - the Judge was made to consume an (extremely flat) unfinished pint of beer that he had left at 4 am on heading for bed earlier that morning. The punishments were then dealt: six individuals who had omitted to wear their costumes to breakfast; two others for having "bad bottoms"; Yoda (Jon Catchpole) for his invention of a pregnancy test which involved him prodding a suspiciously fat tummy with his laser wand; Andy Powell for being forbidden entry to a nightclub because he didn't have any id (he's 25!); another who shall remain nameless for being admonished by someone for urinating on his car; Paul Kavanagh for his "under-performance" on the pitch the day before; and Dave Pyles who had that morning gone out "to get a bottle of matches". Strange isn't it that there are more offenders as the tour develops. I wonder why? There were some commendations - those who won a challenge to a scrum outside the town hall, and Steve Cox for wearing the best costume - Joe 90 (actually it was his own gear!).

Thankfully no swim today, so off we headed to Devon where we played Plymouth Civil Service. The coach journey was rather subdued for some inexplicable reason - the only significant distraction being the sound of Tudor Croft's technicolour-yawns from the loo. The match was rather unique in that we played in artificial moustaches - trying to give a historic feel to the game (unfortunately it didn't put the opposition off, as you will tell by the result!).

See separate Match report

After the match the 3 tour virgins had to race naked around and complete certain tasks, and we could then head for the bar. It was great to meet up with one of our Vice Presidents Danny Avery, who was Club Captain of the 1980's, and his son Dean who captained the opposition that day - obviously following in Dad's footsteps. After a few drinks (and another Cornish pasty) and many memory-exchanges with Danny we headed home where a few die-hards went for a drink in the Green Park Tavern. After having consumed a month's supply of beer in just a weekend, however, I was only too happy to take a rain-check.

This was a great tour - well done to our new organiser Rob Garton.

Hugh Sawyer

The Photos... (courtesy of Hugh Sawyer, Alex Lees and Pete Oliver)

The traditional meeting place.
Superbloke helps old lady to park.
Scooby's after your beer!
Amarillo strut!
Super-gathering.
Super-chimp?
Careful with that pregnancy-tester, Yoda!
I've heard of seeing double, but quadruple?
Intimidating, or what?
You should be so lucky!
That's one way to use them...
Scooby's about to get a rude awakening!
Back from the swim.
Before the first match (smiles soon disappear).
Hey lads, the ref's helping us out!
'Bye Perranporth!
Toor organiser supreme.
Judge drinks his stale beer.
Sampling the Newquay fresh air (desperately needed!).
Before the Plymouth CS game (moustaches disguising hangovers).
Here - you have it!
Boot it out for bleeps sake.
It's ours, lads.
Uh oh, they've got it again!
Glad that's over.
Toor virgin's challenge (censored!).
Damping his enthusiasm.
Unquenchable thirst!
Plymouth CS clubhouse.
Kavs and Dean Avery exchange trophies.

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